Letters from Jennifer, Beauty Edition! by Jennifer Eolin

Jennifer e. Here is alittle secret; Just as I was starting to venture out into the world of blogging,  I was an avid fan of a writer/blogger named Jennifer Eolin.  Her Myspace page detailing her opinions on Project Runway was one of my favorite reads, and would often give me inspiration for my own blog (you see, we share the same sence of humor.....or at lesast I would like to pretend I am just as funny as she is).  So, about three years ago, I sent my first ever blog comment/nerd adoration message across the web universe to her.....and she replied!  I was shocked, and giddy, and a friendship was formed (thank you Myspace!). Jennifer has now become a contributor to my blog, and I still can't believe that I get the pleasure of calling her a dear friend. 

So, I am so happy to share another one of her posts with you...but this one is extra special to me.  Jennifer has always written a column called Sunday Letters from Jennifer, and now I get a very special Beauty Edition to bring  to you!  Happy 4th, and Enjoy.  xoxo

Letters From Jennifer...  The Beauty Edition

By Jennifer Eolin

Dear Adult Acne,

Oh there you are!  Gosh, I'd been hoping you'd come back.  I missed you so much.  You know the way a leper misses his right arm or the way Lindsay Lohan misses her AA meetings.  Oh alright, you caught me in my passive-aggressive (and completely non-sensical) lie!  You're so clever, Adult Acne.  So here's the real deal: You suck saddle bags.

 Listen, I thought I'd safely stowed you away along with my memories of high school and all other natural tragedies of my life.  So imagine my surprise at your sudden appearance on my chin (which looks like I have a a Kool-Aid stained flavor-savor by the by).  I know, you are aware of my quest to keep my 30-mumble-year-old skin looking youthful, but you know very well that this wasn't the direction in which I was headed. 

 Therefore, you must surrender and leave your claimed area.  You must submit to my attacks with salicylic acid and just wither away like a morning glory at 12:01.  If you ignore my attacks and arrogantly claim another territory as yours (not my forehead!  It's my California!) it will be taken as a sign of war and I'll be left with no recourse other than ordering a crap-ton of Pro-Active.  I ask you, Adult Acne, is it worth it to you to stay?  I think not. 

I'm looking forward to resolving this situation with you and getting my trademark pasty pallor back.

Astringents and cotton balls,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS – When I can't get a date, I blame you.

PPS – This happens every Friday.

PPPS – And Saturday.

PPPPS – Shut up.

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Dear Summertime,

Salutations and good tidings!  Look at you all bright and cheery!  Aren't you just... something?

I must politely ask a favor from you.  If you could just not be you that would be awesome.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the hostility there, Summertime!  I speak the truth, too much of you is well... too much of you.  I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself, okay?  It is my pleasure to review your faults:

First... You always bring that slag, Sweat, along with you for the ride.  Nobody likes the unannounced +1. Sweat is the jerk who is last to leave the party and I always find him getting into places where he shouldn't be.  He's a pest and has zero charm.  And the only reason we slept together is because I really had no choice in the matter.  (And all we did was sleep.  Honestly!)

Second...  Sweat's fraternal twin, Humidity.  Sweet Florida blueberries, where DID you find these two idiots?  I have to carry anti-frizz syrum like it's Mace whenever Humidity is lurking around.  Plus, there's not enough powder in the world to keep that “fresh from the shower” feeling.  (No, different fresh feeling.  Stop being so pervy, Summertime! Gosh!)

Third.  This one is tough to say to your face, Summertime.  The foot tan, it's gotta go.  SPF 495840954 doesn't work against you.  The rest of me remains protected, but my feet always turn a raw umber color that looks like I've been kicking around a pile of adobe bricks.  This, in short, isn't cute and I need all the help I can get. (Feel free to ask Adult Acne about that subject....)

Okay, that's all I have to say. I hope you'll consider getting more respectable friends like Breezy and Mild.  It would make your parents Mother Nature and Jack Frost proud.

Cold front,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS – Jack Frost is really carrying around some recessive genes isn't he?  Go figure.

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Dear Bathing Suit,

I HATE YOU!

Weight Watcher,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS – You make me cry.

PPS – Ugly cry.

PPPS – Big ugly cry.

PPPPS – This alarms people around me.

PPPPPS – The police have said I'll be arrested next time for inciting panic in a crowd.

PPPPPPS – At least in prison I can wear a jumpsuit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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